Unknown Speaker 0:00
I'm thinking to put all this in my book bag because I'm from the streets the air. Yeah.
Boom, what's going on? It's your boy ambition. And here we are with another episode of The my FB podcast. And today I have with me a actually, I would say we've been friends for over a decade. Yet more than a decade, I've gotten to see her do some really amazing things, switch careers several times and had varying levels of success and each career varying levels of success personally as well. Right. I think one of the things that, you know, we definitely want to highlight before we even jump into the talk about marriage is that to carry on a marriage for a while, right or relationship for over a decade as well, is a successful marriage. Let's highlight that as well. Today I have with me, what would you say you're a relationship and communications coach? Yes. Relationships and Communication Coach. Today I have with me, Mr. MALAMI. Fitzgerald, how're you doing?
I am doing wonderfully. How are you?
I'm great. I'm great. I'm great. Okay, so first one, right? This might be a little slugger. Right? So no, prep your shoulders to home back. I see that you kept you kept your last name, right, which isn't your maiden name. And that was after the separation and after the divorce, right. So that that's one of the the questions that we definitely have coming up. Right. Well, first, I just want you to tell people a little bit about yourself.
Well, a little bit about me. So I am like you said a relationship and communication coach. But even that's not it. I am a world renowned social scientist posing as an entertaining media mogul. But even that's not it. What I really am is a goddess walking Earth, relearning her ability, ability to create her life.
Okay, so you knew the question was coming? Why'd you keep that man's last name?
Hilarious. Okay, so, good question. Well, I
pause before anybody makes any sort of inferences. I love him just as much as I love her. So let's put that out there. These people in my family. So this is why I get to talk like this during this podcast. Right? So yeah, why did you keep that man last name?
Well, I kept his last name, because, um, first off, we have a child together a glorious child. And, um, and her name means goddess. And so I want it to remain, you know, with her, and I happen to St. Last night. Also, I mean, he's just a really dope person, right? Like, you say, You love him, you know, I love him. We all everybody loves me. But of course, when, even when he's acting like a yo. But, um, but yeah, like, the experience that I had been married with him, to him, and his whole family, I love them. So and also, it's just funny, because our divorce decree, we hadn't gotten the paperwork back yet. And I had to, like renew my passport. And I had to also get a Georgia driver's license and things like that. So it worked out that I did not want to change it back to my maiden name legally, because I didn't actually have the paperwork to actually get that done.
So I love the way that you kind of approach this right is, you looked at the marriage looked at what, you know, you've gained from the marriage, obviously, both of you grew during that space of time, right. You know, knowing both of you personally, the growth seemed like it was in tandem. Right? Every time I saw him level up, I saw him pulling you kicking, dragging and screaming as well. Right. And, you know, to be able to look at that to go through, you know, what a lot of people would consider to be a tough marriage, right? And I'm not saying that because, you know, it actually was but nowadays people would take the story of your marriage to say, you know, him know, reminding you that you have to put in work or him you know, putting you in this space where, you know, you have to grow and even you putting yourself in spaces where you have to grow both, you know, emotionally mentally and even physically I've seen they would take that space to say, abuse or not love and all of those things. What would you say about that?
Oh, I love this. Okay, so who, huh? So, yes, oh, here, here's an i My marriage was. I mean, it was definitely a growth experience. I just posted something on my Facebook a few days ago from Lisa Nichols. And there are three types of relationships. One is a lifetime one. It's a purposeful one. And one is like a life giving one. And ours was the purposeful one. Like, we, we went into it. And when I when I looked back on it, I said, why we went into it, knowing that we were going to be growing up together. And we were okay with that was like, literally, we had this conversation that you know, he asked me to marry him for the third time. And I said, Oh, you know, fine this time, okay. And then, but, but I told him, I said, Well, I don't feel like I'm ready. I, I don't, I don't know who I am quite, you know, yet I have not grown through I was I was 21. And, and he said, Well, we will grow up together. And I said, but what if when we grow up together, we find it okay? We don't that's, you know, we're not what each other needs for the rest of our lives. And he was just like, well, we'll figure it out, then like, it's really wild. Truly, we kind of knew if I'm being honest. Like, it's a possibility that once we grew up, we would find out that we were all even good for each other for that growing up part,
which is know what, you know me. So you know, how I carry on my relationships. And I literally just had the conversation the other day with someone? Because, you know, they were saying, Well, the way that I know, I want my relationship to be that I know that this relationship between us wouldn't last. And I explained to them, right, Shakespeare said, It's better to have loved and lost and not have loved at all. Right? So I think it's very interesting that you guys proved, what is the benefit to be in it for the experience, versus for, you know, any sense of long term commitment of a future that you don't know what will happen in any way. I think that's very beautiful. And, listen, I can see already, right? Like this podcast episode is going to be the one that I send out to, you know, a lot of women and men who have gone through a divorce, and they they're rarely unsure how to take it. Because I gotta be honest, allow me your disposition is very different than a lot of the women that I've seen who've gone through divorce. And maybe that's because we're on a podcast right now. Right? But I don't even think that's true. Because even throughout it, you know, I've talked to you, I've talked to him, both of you very mature about the split. Both of your families are very mature about it as well. Right? I'm definitely a space where everybody just seems to still be interested in loving one another and moving forward and growing. How do we get there? Right? How do we get there as a people? How do we make that the story of many separations, not just the separation that, you know, you had? How does that happen?
Oh, just love your question so much. Oh, my gosh, so and this, you know,
a successful a successful relationship is leads to a successful business, and what type of tackle that in a while, but I want to talk about how we have successful separations.
Oh, good question. Good question. Because I know I get my heart aches that people, you know, say once they realize, okay, well, we're going to do our best growing more apart, you know, now it hurts me that people you know, are so you know, coming make it such a devastating thing. And how we get to that point, first of all, there's going to need to be so much self exploration and exploration of, like deep diving and processing about how you guys relationship came to be, and all the steps, you know, during the relationship, and that's what we were able to do and blessed to be able to do is, is have a relationship counseling that just really took us through the process. And, and what I mean by that is, so when when, when we're splitting apart and we're having our issues and all that stuff, a lot of times we're arguing, there's a lot of arguing there's a lot of conversations happening. And sometimes people don't know how to be authentic with themselves, let alone with their partner, or they're afraid to be authentic to to really say what it is they really really want and what they don't. And so, it really takes a A framework that allows you to be able to speak authentically, and not. When the other partner hears your authentic truth, they're not offended. They're not, you know, being defensive about it. They're not blaming and shaming you for what happened in their life, you know, up to this point and that kind of thing. It just, it takes a really sophisticated, basically what I'm saying a sophisticated communication style. And that is what when I learned when we learn this communication style, I was like, Oh, my God, this is how we've actually been communicating throughout our whole marriage. And by that I mean, how giovane already naturally communicated and how he was trying to teach me how to communicate with him, because we never had, you know, how to couples have those arguments without yelling at each other sharp, we've always had these conversations where we're very, you know,
I was actually just about to say exactly that, like, I was gonna let the listeners know, I've never when you said the word argument. I've never heard Fulani argue, right? Even with him, right, I don't really hear him argue ended. I want everybody to understand, we were talking, we're talking about, you know, myself knowing both of these individuals. I know him as a Marine who was senior to me, you know, during my nine year sprint in the Marine Corps, and his nine year sprint in the Marine Corps as well. And, you know, this was definitely someone who was always in a position to yell at someone if need be. And if he rolls his voice at you, it is very ironic that you don't feel yelled at. Right? Like, he'll he'll yell, he'll be yelling at you, but you don't feel yelled at, because it's like every word is specifically chosen. Um, so I've never seen these to really kind of argue, right? I've seen tensions get high, right? And this was even while I was you guys roommate, right? Like, you know, we, when I was married, they were married. I had my son. And we had just gotten out to California and lived in the biggest house that I've ever lived in, right at the time. And I, we joke about that all the time, right? Like I moved in. And all three of us come from a background where I really do believe we've succeeded and prospered together, like almost alongside each other where I could see, when I was doing this, he was doing this when she was doing this. My wife was doing it. And I got to see that. So I was the one who stepped in the house. Like he didn't have no sense. It's like, oh, what's going Oh, yeah. I was also, we had left the garage open with bikes in it, and came back then. And they were still bikes in the garage. I was like, this would never happen. And it was several days later to, like, garage is open. Right? Yeah. So. So what I'm saying is, I really got the chance to see these people on a personal level, to really watch the way that they handled this divorce. And, you know, I would go as far as to say, from the outside in, and hopefully on the inside, it feels the same way that it looks, but from the outside looking in, The divorce was a success. Right? Like the separation was a success, I didn't see two people separate and get all over the place, I saw two people separate and grow accordingly. And as if that was the plan from the very start. And two people would step into spaces that don't really make themselves happy. To really kind of bring this full circle, right, the the portion that I definitely wasn't around for, right, I was off doing my thing. You guys were off doing your thing was young finally had a baby and everybody was plotting on the baby. Right? How, how did having a child change the dynamic of the marriage? And then also, how did it change the dynamic as you were going through the divorce? What What were some of the considerations?
So that's heavy. Okay, so the child's happy. So
I before we continue, I want everybody to know I excerpt if there was any topics she wanted me to be careful about. She said nothing.
That open book and here's the thing. I've always been a very open book and like kind of overshare where it kind of annoys some people. I've learned this apart, I learned yet what I realized is that that is what's gonna make my million dollars because I'm writing my memoir, and it's gonna be a TV show. And I'm like, That's why God put that in my heart to open books. I feel like lessons are, you know, there's so many lessons to be learned from people's lives. I derive it all the time. So anyway, back to the, um, so I just a little background on me with children. I am I've always been very like, um, you know, people No, no retentive about some things I can feel about creating another human experience. And because I've found that, you know, some people, I realized that I, I am overly that, as opposed to other people. So, I spent all of my sexual life from 17 years old, making sure I did not procreate before I was ready. And what I thought also was that I needed to parenting with heart to me. So I said, Well, I want to do that only if I have a full staff available. And by full staff, I mean, what personal chef, housekeeper, Nanny, a personal assistant, personal shoppers, your personal trainer, all those things. And so, Giovanna, and I, for the first eight years of our marriage, you know, and he knew this going into the marriage with me. So our goal was me to be wealthy. Like, you know, we wanted to have children, we need to be wealthy. So that was our, like, mission. But uh, for the first eight years, we were just like, really? Like, okay, what can we do to be rich, and we so we did all these real estate investment courses, and we started a real estate investment company. And, um, you know, he got into tech. And I got into tech anyway. So next thing, you know, eight years goes by already. So I'm like, well, we're
not gonna, you're not gonna skate over this one. Right? When she says, he got into tech, and I got into tech, right? He worked for arguably the largest tech giant in the world, right? If you guys want to take any guesses at who that is, that's on you. And the original deal that he closed with them was closer to you in tech, you expect a six figure job? Right? But when you say six figures, you're saying it because it crossed that $100,000 That $100,000 Mark, you don't expect someone to jump that close to the second 100,000. In their first attempt, I'm just being very honest with you, I have the level of success as another person who was in tech. I got out I tell people I made 110,000 My first job out he made me look at myself and go What the fuck are you doing with life? Right. And it took me a couple years to catch up. Right and then I got to that level and that this is what I want you guys to understand about this family's performance level. Right, because it's not just for llambias, also him and no hopefully one day we'll get them on the podcast but no one giovane I doubt it. Right. But the to let you know their performance level, it's then he pulls her into tech. Right? Not an easy field to jump into. Right? But he sets up the plan like this is a legit performance ask him right? So now I'm saying all that to say when she says they jump into things don't think this is half assed and half cocked. Right? They're jumping in I'm actually I'll say like this if you go back to I believe episode 10. Right? We have the cousin of the man that we're talking about. And he said the quote when I get into something or I'm interested in something I jump in the rabbit hole and come out with skins I'm beginning to take that think that trend is hereditary. Because both of these individuals the fantastic minds fantastic minds the
whole family the whole the whole
family right you're right it is the whole family because they'll be the other brother works for so this is a it's not like they're they're a spoon fed family. That's the other thing rare a hard work family right there or self make. Like they all decided that they were going to come up from nothing to something in one fucking generation. Right to me is incredible. Right? So that's what we're talking about. So when she says they jumped from tech to real estate, no, they they dove in. Right. So continue the story. I'm sorry. I don't mean to cut you off just
right. So, I know, I know. Because my tell people that they're like, for me what a full step. I'm like, Yeah, I mean, I mean, I'm just being honest with me, like, I am not good with the multitasking with, you know, doing the house chores and taking care of the baby and having a full time job. And, you know, and it's just like, to me growing up parenting looked hard. So. So anyway, we eight years in I'm 30 years old, and we and I was projecting that we wanted maybe four, maybe five, I was gonna see how I felt after four children. And so I said, Well, I guess I need to go ahead and get started. Because the eggs are only going to be so fresh, right? So that's why we now but to also include, and that was, I was really wondering, I was starting to wonder if I actually didn't want to have children. I had the conversation with my cousin, who's a pastor, and she, I mean, we went down a rabbit hole. And because she kept because what it is, she asked me a couple poignant questions. And one one was, do you even want to have children and I went back and I asked her, I said, it was years ago, and so far, she doesn't remember. But I'm like, I wonder what made you ask me that. But we went down the rabbit hole. And she was like, Well, yeah, this is gonna happen. You know, this, this is what's going to happen have to happen with children, this and this. And I started to be like, because and what really made me think because I said, Well, what if I have a child? And then I didn't, you know, I realized, okay, I'm not that motherly and incline. And then but I feel bad because I want her to have sit well, I didn't have siblings. So then I feel pressured to give them siblings. And so I said, Well, and that's what the final thing was. I said, Well, maybe let me just not start at all. I had that conversation. And then I went to John, I said, John, what if I actually don't want to have children? And then he said, Well, who had to say I had to figure something else out? That didn't, you know, there might have been somebody like, you know, like, Oh, my God, we've been married. But so I was like, huh, that is true, you have to bring some of those out. So then I thought, well, let me not have limited, let me not let Javon have wasted his time. That's literally what I thought. So we went ahead and had a baby. And then I went through postpartum I literally just came out of postpartum like a month ago. She's almost three to be three in a couple weeks. So, um, it is pretty neat. Like, it's, it was pretty bad. It was pretty bad. And, and what was one of the reasons why we ended up into the marriage, it was because I realized I'd say, Okay, I don't want to have any more children. And he did. Now, a lot of people were looking at that and say, Well, why don't you compromise and have another child? At least one more, you know,
because it's your body? And why wouldn't put yourself through that. So, at this, this is the point where I actually want to bring up a conversation we had, right? Where, you know, we talked about that exact same thing, where, you know, everybody was around going, Well, why don't you like parenting? Or why don't you want to have more children? And we had the conversation I explained to you know, I can see your angle, right. And I can see your angle as somebody who, you know, because I know where people go as soon as you you think these things and say these things, they think deadbeat. But so as somebody who has had his father not be around, right? I thought about how much damage my father would have done, if he was there. Right? And just straight up was like, Hey, I didn't I don't want to do this. Right. So one of the things that I told you then was, be honest with yourself about that. Right? I think that it's still possible for someone who doesn't want to be a parent to be a great parent, right, so long as they can have an open dialogue with other individuals who are also open about that. Right? And it seems like, there's no support for the people who don't want to jump into that field. So it's, I think that um, you know, you're saying that you've also had the postpartum depression and all of those things, because we forget that postpartum depression by number one is not gender or sex based. Its parent base, you'll adopt the kid and get postpartum depression, right? Because it's, it's a life change. It's a change to your world. That's number one. And number two, yeah, raising kids suck. Like everybody who likes to say like, oh my god, it's such a blessing. It's like, you're you're you're leaving out the war. A portion of this, right. So I wanted to say all that to say, number one, thank you for being somebody who openly admitted that even to me, right? Because that's part of the struggle of trying to be a parent, especially when you feel like you had a parent that abandoned you. Right? Um, so thank you for that.
Right. And I do want to say, um, and, and even the whole time that I was postpartum, you know, I had last time patients and my mother, and I'm very grateful to have a mom who was so you know, somebody I could talk to so authentically about it. And the ironic thing about that is she is a parent empowerment coach. So I'm like, wow, how ironic is this for you, mother, like, this is your job. And now you really have to work on this with me. But she because her parenting experience was completely different. And then turns out that she had her best friend growing up who actually had the same experience I was having in her friend back then, what, 30 years ago when she had her child was afraid to tell my mother because her experience was so stark different from my mom, mom love to you know, Oh, yes. I love parents. And I'm like, so Whoa, it was bad. And so I say all that to say that, um, I never did regret, you know, some people like, well, you regret it. I never regretted it. Like I knew. Maybe it's here for a reason. She's awesome. I'm gonna ask her. What do you think she's ugly? I say, oh, no, I don't think she's ugly. So I'm grateful for that. Because some people do think that their children or
no, they don't gotta think the child is ugly. I think people's children is ugly for them. I think it until you
Oh, no. But yeah, so I mean, to say that I, I knew something was amiss. Like, I'm like, Okay, I know, I'm something you know, off about, because people may listen to this and be like, Oh, my God, I know, she's not saying this. But like, what if our childhood is Monday? It was nothing to do with my child, my child. Like, sometimes when somebody asked me, it was like, what, you have a problem with her or something? I don't like it's not my child. Like, I know, this is me. Like, this is my issue.
I'm listening, and may have an issue. Moving on,
right, yeah. And now, to this day, I'm just like, oh, Lord, I'm really grateful for it. Because now her personalities really coming through. And like, it's amazing.
The real truth of the matter is that people don't really have an issue with you, they have the issue with the life that they've lived in how they wish people would have behaved in their lives, right? They had somebody who had this issue in their life. And that issue took over their childhood. Right. But that didn't happen with you, because you had a community, right, you had people that you could talk to, right, and I don't think it would have happened with you, even if you didn't have people that you could talk to. Because, again, you you were in a marriage, you still ended up with at least a couple of sensible people around you. Right? And sometimes having a sensible opinion really does make the difference, right? Like if the only person that you could talk to was your mother and your mother was stark against it. Like why wouldn't you want to be a mother? Mother mean, being a mother the best thing ever? It's like, I'm sorry, sorry that you feel that way. And I don't write I thought feelings were subjective. So I think we got to learn to give people the space to feel what they feel, right. But that doesn't mean that because somebody feels this way, that that is the reality. And that is how they're going to behave. Right? You got to allow people to feel the way they feel because their healing is important, too. Right? You can't prioritize everyone else's healing, and then go, those people's healing don't matter. Those are those are the villains that you've created. Right? There's no such thing as villainy. It's, it's all that bullshit. No, you all of this stuff you're ignoring. Right? So go ahead.
Oh, yeah. So So yeah, what I want to what I want to convey is that it was all like you said, Well, how did it work with the with the breakup? So it was really difficult for me, like people might say, Oh, she must say, oh, here have like, what happened was, when we were discussing that we were gonna be split in Javon was like, he always referred to her as his daughter, you know, he's like, Yeah, and I'm keeping my daughter and I'm like, Well, yeah, it's just it's just, it just worked out. Like he is such a bother like he's born to do that role. And that's, of course, why he wants to have more. And I say, Well, yeah, that makes sense. Why? Because he's also going to add new like, what what gave me peace of mind was that he was going to easily find someone who was going to be able to step in, and be the Wino. Like, some people may you may think, Oh, they're gonna be single for a long time. You're gonna be a single father, you know who's gonna, like be like a mother.
You gotta listen. Javon got the bag number one. He He got the bag. He's a very well spoken individual. He's even tempered. Right? And although he can be an asshole, he's definitely surgical with the shit. So it's not an issue. Right? Yeah, man as no issue.
He has no issue like they go together like peas and carrots. He is good at disciplining her, you know, me looking at him disciplining her from from, like four months old. I was like, but I'm like, if that's what it takes to to, like, look at him and how it takes to make her so brilliant. I'm like, I'm like, Wow, I'm not sure I can put in that work. So like, I'm not like, that's not my natural capability. Like, yes, I could cultivate it. But I didn't want to cultivate you know, like to risk, cultivate the expensive other children's lives. You know what I mean? Also a background on me is, um, I come from this same exact situation, and my daughter is about to go through this. I'm like, wow, this is so funny. I was born to my mother and father, they split up. Like, probably within my first year of being born. And then And then something about my birth father has always been in my life. We're very close. And then my mother met another man when I was two. They got married, you know, when I was almost four. And and he's been in my life. Now. You know, they've since divorced. And so when I was like, when he moved out when I was 12. But so around when I was teenager, they divorced. And, but we're still very close. We're all very close to as a family, but follow
broken families hurt the children. What about the children?
Well, here's the thing. I know. And that's what I'm saying, like, people, I don't feel that together for the child. What do you say?
I was just putting my caveat out there. I was being the voice of the people who say those things, because that's all you ever hear when you're going through a divorce? Right? What about the children so much? So when I was going through my divorce, I was supposed to remain unhappily married, so that I could raise my children. And I felt like that would have been very traumatizing. So what about the children? How do how do you make sure that the church like you are going through it? Hindsight being 2020? How do you feel about your parents separation? And how do you feel that it's affected you? And it's obviously your lens now as a relationship coach,
right? Um, so one thing is, so um, child's birth mother, right. And then, so but my birth father, I feel like I was I was basically I was very grateful went to be raised by my second column stepfather, second father called him Baba. Father. So I he, basically, I'm very grateful to be raised by my father. I mean, the values he instilled in me, the good times we had, you know, he would come and dance with you in living rooms, grooving r&b, like, I mean, I always say like, I am grateful to be raised by him. And now that's the text away from my daddy. Like, I love my day. Like I say, he just, he parented in his own way. He was actually, you know, he spoiled a lot. And so I was always grateful to go over there and get spoiled, and then come back to my more discipline house. I'm like, I'm afraid I'll do that with my baby. Because I am not a disciplinarian. I'm really trying. So I'm like, I'm trying to spoil her when she's at my house. But, um, but yeah, so what about the children? Well, um, she is going to, well, I know that he's going to marry again. Um, and it's going to be someone who is going to be really good to be a bonus, mom's mom, my baby girl, and she's gonna be able to have siblings, because that's the one thing I really wanted. I'm like, Wow, this one works out. But what am I child, a half siblings, she won't be able to have siblings. And that's one because I can't imagine my life without my siblings, who came from my second father. And I have a sibling with my birth father as well. And I can't imagine my life without him. And I can't imagine anybody anybody's life without their siblings. So that's why we want her to have some, um, so she's going to have a dynamic life because she's going to have you know, her two parent, household siblings, and then she's gonna be a mom and her mom who is likely going to have another life partner. And so she's going to have these two different household and community because what I realized I grew up with not just my mother and my father and my second father, but community like him. I have several mothers I have, you know, my aunts and stuff held me down. My father was locked up for three years from like, six to nine. I was always at his sister's house. And so I've really close to my cousin's like, community, you know, like you said, um, so maybe it's gonna be fine.
Right, I know, she will. And, and, and I say all that to say, um, because, you know, I think a lot of people Who out there who go through divorce go through separations, you hear so much shit that is just guilt trips from other people's traumas. Right, like, and I think that should be a book guilt trips from from other people's traumas. Because when I was going through my divorce and I'm pretty sure you heard it right, there was so many questions, right? People wanted us to keep it together for the kids, people wanted us to keep it together. Because we got married in the first place. People had a whole bunch of shit that they wanted to say. And, um, look, on the end, I had to break it down. I say, look, on the day to day, none of y'all is helping out. none of y'all are here. none of y'all are inside. none of y'all are in the house. none of y'all help and pick up kids and drop them off. Right? So we, the adults in the situation got to do what's best for us. Right? And that's one thing I hope everybody understands, man, woman, non binary if you're in a situation, and you're not happy, don't blame the other person. Right, but definitely choose choose your peace, right. So, in the in the relationship side of the house and the communication side of the house, how do you actually make sure that your communication is on point, so that you can have a amicable separation, a separation that is supportive, and that doesn't traumatize the entire family?
Unknown Speaker 36:36
Um, oh, okay. So,
so not mine.
Yeah. So not not a separation like mine. No, um, that was a joke. Okay, right. I don't think anybody's traumatized.
Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Good. I know, you said that. People had a mentioned that yells at me and divorces so amicable. And then you said, and I looked at yours, and I'm like,
I was, I was sitting there mad. I was like, I thought I was gonna be able to come over like, Okay, so here's how you do it right? Now, I was like, god dammit, they want me again.
Oh, Lord, okay. Oh, but it starts. So how you have that communication is starts with some foundational understandings, which the first one is, I create my life. And that's what giovane kept trying to get me to see by, you know, our whole marriage, because I wouldn't blame him. But and that was a big, you know, one of the big things he's like, Okay, this thing worked. But because I kept blaming him first, I'm like, you know, I would make him the scapegoat, as he kept saying, and so, I'm blaming him for what people say, Well, you know, just for things not going, right, whatever. Um, and so I create my life is something that you really have to understand. By that, I mean, that you're not villainizing other people, you're not victimizing yourself, because in victimhood, that screams, you don't have control over your circumstances. And you can't blame and shame people, you can't, um, you know, you have to realize that, in creating your life doesn't mean because people like I will create, I create my life, that means I'm creating the bad stuff too. Well, every situation is to grow you Every situation is to show you, yourself, every everything that you see in your outer world is a reflection of what's going on your inner world. So, um, it starts with those foundational understandings, like really understanding that, that way, when someone can, comes with you, to you authentically with their, with their honest and you know, it may hurt some people, their honest truth, you are not going to actually take that personally because when Javon like used to talk we used to, I will get defensive, he will say something to me, you know, he would say something that he may need for me or something he's missing in I am defensive. I'm putting up what instead of hearing him, instead of being able to, like, really fully comprehend, and like, give him what he needs. The walls are up, you know, like I said, so I'm blaming him, I'm defending, I'm being defensive, you know. So that's what it takes that foundational principle and then knowing how to actually go through the communication, you know, knowing you know, how to hold people that people say, Oh, women just bid. And as men, we always trying to fix it, but we don't know. We just want to vent Oh, well, this communication framework of level that I teach it, it puts that whole thing into a container where you actually tell them, Okay, I'm just wanting to bend right now and I want you to just hear me authentically and I'll tell you what I need like it's just a And then from that, there's different steps to that. So
I love that I love the fact that you brought up, you know, the victimization and victimization, right. I'm famous for telling people I'm in relationships with partnerships with whether it's in business or personal. If somebody starts becoming jealous of me, or they basically start making me the villain, I am very comfortable being the bad guy. Right? Because I understand you created the role of this astronomical bad guy. So the two could grow. Right? I get it, I totally get it. But I tell people look, you can hate me from outside. Right? And why I say that right now is that is something that we do have to be aware of in our marriages, right? It's not, it's not energy. It's not scenarios that we need to recreate within our relationships and within inside our house, because imagine you fighting all day at work, you're trying to get promoted, your boss don't like you, this person don't like you, you come home, and your wife don't like you to your husband don't like you to fuck that. Quite frankly, fog that? Right? So I'm in 100% of grants. Um, and then you mentioned up level communication. Right? Which, um, you know, you would be the second coach that has been through that program where that series of schooling from, I believe, Kenya and Carl Stevens that have both put that work together. Right. The other would be, I believe, the Episode Episode 12, I had Dwayne Mooney on, right. And he talked about building your kingdom and building your queendom. And I'm hearing very similar lessons from you in creating your life and taking charge of creating your life. That's the question though, right? Because a lot, a lot of young women, right, from, you know, from the time they were born, they were raised that a man is going to create their life for them, right? Like they're going to go grow up, they're going to meet a man that's also powerful, and also rich, and he's going to do the work, right? Yeah. And I'm disappointed. He's like, No, I'm doing the work for me. Right, I got to build my shit. So what would you say to those women? So they're not just hearing the mean? Oh, man, say that he wants to build his shit. What What would you say? In that case? Are our men supposed to service and build what you want? Or are we supposed to build for the women? Or what what are we supposed to be doing? What are the women supposed to be doing?
So yeah, I came from that frame of thought, which is, yeah, I thought, Oh, can we get married? Yeah. And I realized that, I guess that was made more than thing back in the 50s 60s, you know, before because women weren't having, you know, like, employment that was really gaining money. And so before it was, The man took everything in the women took care of the household to get the children, which, by the way, is no easy task. And I don't understand why anybody puts down people who are homemakers. I don't understand that. Because there's there's a lot of work in the husband all the time in careers, talked about the fact that they have it easier at work than they were at home, which is good. You said
that in front of me. And you know, famously, I tell people all the time, I don't want no housewife. And they think that I'm putting it down. It's not that I'm putting it down. I just I don't want it. It's what it creates. Right, like so. Um, I don't know whether it's easier or not. Right? You know what, let me put it this way. It's hard if you're actually the stay at home mom, or the stay at home spouse, right? That's doing the work, right. So man or woman? If you're the one that's actually doing the work, then yeah, that's actually a difficult job. Right? If you're dialing it in, right? Like, No, I came home, when during the sprint where my wife wasn't working. My son was home. It was just her and my son and some college work that she had to do during the day. I'd come home and she's like, oh, yeah, the dishes. But I wasn't here all day. I was not here. Right. So it's, it's when your dial and I'm not saying that's alone, it would be dominant in you know, if you're coming home, you know, as the counter spouse in the house isn't clean, and there's all of this stuff for you to do as well. Yeah, that's easy, because you didn't do shit for the day. You don't I mean, so that I think that's what Where the critique comes in? It's not from the people who actually take the role seriously. It's from the people who don't.
Right. Right. And yeah, and I agree with that. I agree with that, because, and I'm being honest, I wasn't a good housewife before we even had that. I wasn't that good at it. And so that's why I kept having to have employment, even though I basically I spent a lot of my time really just trying to figure out what I was trying to do with my life. But that's a whole other story. Um, so what were we talking about here? We were talking about? Oh, what what we should do? Yeah.
So yeah, right. What Should men be doing in their relationships? And what should women be doing in their relationships? What should they be building? And what should they be contributing? Right?
So So yeah, like I'm sitting back in the day when women took us seriously as housewives and and take care of the children and all that they mostly did it all by themselves. And then the man was going out and being the breadwinner. And so but now, the situation has changed where women can, you know, well, first of all, two incomes are really needed if you really want to do some things, as far as investments and all this stuff, to secure financial legacy for your children, all that. And so, now the woman does have to have some kind of employment, some kind of career. Um, and so it would really, it's hard to be basically she has to also be doing something because what it is with us women are wanting help in the house. And so it's not fair. Like he said, If you are the one or you know, at the house, not employed or anything, and yet you want the man to be employed, and also help, so if you want help in house and he has to work it was starting to be is that woman also has to be working. And what I realized is that the women who get the man who are like really doing something in life, when you look at celebrities, we look at all kinds of the women are like they're really doing something in life to like, they have their own, they they know their passions. They they're working in their purpose. Like,
you know what's funny about that, um, you know, my partner just told me about the same thing. I forget what the thing that she told me his name, because I only know the woman's husband, although the woman is the one with the Netflix special. Right? Um, but she's married to Cristiano Ronaldo, the soccer player, right? Look, the most famous soccer player in the world. Right? The highest paid athlete in the world. Right? And what she was what? No, my partner was telling me she was like, yeah, like, I'm watching this woman, get up, go do a whole bunch of work manifest act based on her purpose. But her husband is the richest the highest paid athlete in the world. Right? I was saying yes. Like, I think there's a misunderstanding of what successful men want. Right? Successful men don't really a lot of us nowadays, I would say, right? Let me say some right, because I can't speak for everybody. A lot of us nowadays don't really want a woman that is a stay at home figure or that dedicates their life to us. We want to see what amazing shit you could do. We want to see what amazing things you got going on, we want to see what brilliant Ness can be brought forth from your mind to heal the world as well. Right? Um, we can execute our own missions and our own purposes without, you know, you're doing all of the things because that's just where life has gotten, right? There's dishwashers and automatic vacuums. So long as you do a little bit of work, the house takes care of itself. But now when it comes to having a fulfilled partner, somebody that is genuinely your equal because when they come into the space, they have stories, right? Could you imagine someone being married to somebody like me and not being able to have some stories to give back? Right? I'd be bored with you, I'd be completely out of my mind. Bored. Right. So that's the I believe that's where you're going with that. And that's exactly what we're talking about that um, what is it when your Christian say you gotta be evenly yoked? Right. So being evenly yoked even means in the financial space, right? Like, there's a terrible lot of men that aren't looked that are at this level. And they aren't looking to date at this level either. Right? Just like there's a terrible lot of women that are at this level that are saying that they can't find someone, but they're not looking to date at this level. And there are those out there that are finding their level. They just are happy and not fucking talking about it. So you don't know about it, because they're minding their business well, yeah,
I mean, And that is what was happening like Joe, you know, if I'm being quite frank, what happened was, I'm sorry about your mom's like, Okay, I'm sitting up here building and building for us. I'm going out and grinding. And then I'm gonna have Kevin raise two children without support. Basically, it was like I didn't understand what he was. I didn't understand what he meant. We kept saying he didn't get support for me they needed was that what do
you mean? raise two children?
Oh, yeah, me. I was one of them. I mean, I was I was so lost. Well, Labatt. I spent the last two years of our marriage crying every single day. If at some point in time during the day, I mean, two years, every day now people say is that an exaggeration? Okay, maybe 10 of those days, I did two years. I didn't. But it wasn't like, basically, I was lost, as I'm saying. Like, it wasn't like anything wrong with like, I'm saying this, but it was such, it was so confusing. And I'm like, Okay, I'm living a charmed life. I don't understand. I was wondering, I was bipolar. Because my natural inclination is to be very happy. So I'm, I'm very happy when one minute singing and being me, and then they singing, I'm bawling, like, so anyway, I started to say that, yeah, he was not getting support that he needed from a partner or a spouse, because he was having to take care of me and the child, you know, and our child, because I was lost as to how to take care. Well, I'll tell you, I'm just, oh, it was bad. It was just bad. So and I didn't understand it until we got into our counseling. And I'm like, Oh, this is kind of support you need. And so naturally, for many reasons, that I'm not wanting to, like, go totally into doing this podcast. But naturally, that wasn't going to be something I was going to be able to provide. Without it being because when it was already, like my cousin, my best friend cousin was telling me, she's like, it seems like you really have to change yourself a lot in order to be married to him. And so, you know, I could have worked on you know, but it's like, we realized that we weren't really forcing this, like, this is like,
it's one thing if the change is something that was in alignment, like that was who you saw yourself as, right, right. But if that's not who you see yourself as then, right, this isn't the partner that's going to help you get there. This is the partner that's going to, you know, create something lateral. And now you're going to be at this level, looking at the woman that you want to be over there going. I could have been lounging on a beach somewhere, right. I'm speaking because I know for Lommy, right, like, I know, philosophy and I know, Javon giovane wants a working woman, right? And philosophy is a luxury cat. Yes, right. Philosophy is not trying to hear all of that, right. Like, she's like, Look, man, I'm, I'm your motivation. But I need to be over here doing something that I consider to be easy. And fucking, what's the word I'm looking for? And fucking luxurious and fabulous. Right, that's who Fulani is. And so I totally get it. I totally get it. Um, and, as a man, I've had to learn that right. And I think I've learned for myself like, Shit, I'm a very down to earth person. But I'm a go getter. I need a person who is very similar. Right? And it's not that, you know, it. I think everybody needs to establish what type of relationship they would want, with the type of person that they come across. Right? Because I don't I'm, I'm not a believer that every woman that I've come across is supposed to be my wife. Sure. She somebody's wife, just not mine. Right? Um, but it's also understanding. I'm not supposed to be everybody's husband. Right? Sometimes, I'm just better suited as your side do. That being that being said, you know, I speak straight. Um, we're at the point that a podcast would normally move into story for a story, right? So that means you told me a story for a while me and I'll give you a story back. And I think we gotta be careful. We might know each other stories a bit too well, so I got to really dig in the bag to give Colombia a good story. Oh,
yeah. And, um, and I just want to say a one thing on what you said prior about who I am. It took me a while to come to that, like the counseling is what really made me understand that about myself that I'll accept my luxury kit and accept that it was hard to, like, you know what I gotta be true to be I love me, this is just who I am where I'm
at. And actually the night and nothing was wrong with being a luxury cat. I think, you know, the world that we live in, I think, you know, a woman that is cool to get into the garden and do all the farming and, and bale the hay and she wants to toss the medicine back ball back and forth with you. I think all of that is cool. But a woman that you take to the ball is cool as well. Right? Because everybody is that every tool has its own utility. Right?
Right. Exactly. Exactly. So okay, so a store record store. And I've been wondering like, Okay, what
Unknown Speaker 55:45
guess, in relationship farm, I guess I'll go,
you could tell, you could tell any story that you want to tell, right? It could be wild and crazy. I'm just gonna match your level.
Right? And see, and I can't go wild and crazy. First of all, because I don't really actually have well, I'm crazy. But I also you know, my family and I can't be too crazy. Would you say they will? Yeah. Like, my parents might listen to this. Yeah, I
Unknown Speaker 56:19
fell on me his mama
you are so goofy. So um, so yeah, um, one thing that to me is crazy is i and it just goes off my like my manifestation. I was four years old, I had a crush on a drummer and my African dance class, who was 12 years old. And of course, like, that mind bought, like, we didn't understand like, Well, how could she have a crush on this, like four years old, first of all, and she's crushing on his like, toy girl. And I talked about him incessantly. And my mother was uncomfortable with this. So she pulled me out of the class. Fast forward 1213 years. I'm 17. And I re meet him. He's 25 now and he is beautiful. Um, he just like every, you know, the muscles, the test. I mean, ah, so he felt smitten with me when we first read it. I mean, I don't. I was like, wow. And I mean, to the point where I was driving home from because I've met him again at his aunt's house, and I was driving home and I'm screaming like, the windows are all up. And I'm screaming, because I remember him from when I was four. And I was just like, I cannot believe I like, we have run into each other again, and I'm feeling all these feelings. Basically, we, this is right before I go to college, we start hanging out and my parents are concerned. And I'm like, well, we're not actually dating, you know, because they're like, He's eight years old. Are you 25. Like we weren't really dating, but then we ended up, you know, starting to actually date and then I went to college. And what's the irony? The irony is that I had broken up with my boyfriend I was with for like, a year when I read MIT. I didn't want to be attached when I went to college. Um, but anyway, so we got together. And I went to college, and he, he was like, he sent me a rush card, and was loading money on there. He brought me a new phone so I could text him easier. He was flying back home. I mean, he wanted me He treated me like I quit. It was beautiful. And like my roommates, my college roommates boyfriend, I had a picture of my boyfriend on my wall, above my door, and he said, Who was that? Because he looked like ludicrous or something, you know, I said is my boyfriend he's like, really basically, like how you pull him. Play your girl. So anyway, um, I say all that to say that, um, he broke up with him. The freshman winter break between my freshman year of college, because a family friend called me up and said, um, um, basically, she gave me a snapshot of what my life was about look like, because this is exactly how her life went as far as she was 17 with 25 rope. And then she got pregnant. Even though she had a scholarship to college, I had a full ride scholarship, my academic scholarship to college, um, and she was like, I love my boys, and I love my husband all that bad. And she's like, so this is the road you're going on? So you can choose. So I was like,
oh, remember that you didn't like kids?
Right? That's the thing like so like, there was so many signs because I broke up with him like ramping up because of the fact that he might not meet up. And, um, so people might look at that be like, you know, birth control. You wanna I I was, I was, uh, I was supposed to be waiting until marriage is what I say my head. So I wasn't gonna give myself permission to what
would you say? said what I said in my head. Right?
So I wasn't gonna give myself permission to have sex regularly by getting a birth control because I also understood it was so not foolproof. Um, so yeah, I broke up, and which was mind boggling to me mind boggling to him. This 17 year old girl. And so that's when that's when I called you on ramp to that even though I did not like me and him weren't like, like that I didn't actually, you know, have feelings for him like that. But in the back of my mind, that's the reason why I was able to so quickly and easily like, break up with my one boyfriend because I knew I didn't know I had him back my head, which was wild because I didn't have those kinds of feelings when we went on friends after that we had our whole courtship very strange, but, um, but yeah, my college broke up my boyfriend he's like, okay, and And what's funny about Jamal is that's what happens to him with several females, they meet him, and then they break up with a boyfriend. And they tell them he's like, so what I'm supposed to do now, like, you break up with your boyfriend. It's just funny. Like,
that's how you that really is the reaction that is appropriate. Like, who told you to do that? You wasn't gonna come talk to me first. Right? None of that. But we didn't.
And I guess I want to iterate. We didn't get to get via demand and become boyfriend girlfriend. It was just friends. Because we wouldn't really build each other like it was. It's just wow.
That's right. That's right. But but
but but that boyfriend didn't like because I had made fun during the time when I was, you know, I made them on in college while I was to had a boyfriend back home, and he wouldn't hear about Javon. And he was like, I don't like this cat. You know, I'm like, Oh, don't worry. Like, I'm not attracted to him. Don't worry. And I'll always joke about that. Guy. Didn't he got married?
Right. So men listening. Don't listen. I'll give you a story. No, no, do what you got to do, bro. Okay, I'll back that up. Okay, so this is actually about first love, right? So 17 as well, right? Um, I was I decided I was going to join the Marine Corps when I was like, 15. Right. So I started working out with the Marines as soon as I can. And I used to go to the recruiting office. And when I was in Boston, Come, my mom sent me to Boston. You know, after I got in some trouble, it's like a French Prince of New York type shit. So my mom sends me to Boston, and I'm in the recruiting office, I'm 17. Finally, in the delayed entry program, because you have to be 17 years old to actually sign up, right? And I'm an athlete, like, literally, all I do is train to get ready to go into the Marine Corps, right? Like, I'm on the track team. So I can run so I can learn how to run an 18 minute three mile so that I can be a better marine like this is how much of my life was dedicated to what you saw me doing? Right? Which we can tell other stories about how I fucked all that up. Right. But life is great. So moving on, right? I'm 17. I'm sitting in there, right? Like, and I'll give people like my disposition. All I did was workout. And then my other thing was talking to girls, right? And I was smooth with it like, slick, Savage, right? I think there was one time I was late to PT physical training with the recruiters and I pull it up and I'm in front of the building. And, you know, the girls are saying bye to girls kiss me. I've given them a kiss. When I walk in the building. I was like, yeah, man, it was this thing going on with Trey. There was like, Yo, because they called me in New York. There was like, Yo, New York. We just saw you on the camera. Was while watching you on the camera. If I'm lying, I'm flying. They're gonna listen to this and laugh, right? So this girl walks in the office one day, right? And this is before she knows me before she knows any of that stuff about me. Right? I'm like, I'm on it. Right? She's drop dead gorgeous. I mean, chocolate dark skin. Like when I say dark skinned I mean, dark skin like, night time space skin. Right? Point, right. Um, you're here is straighten. But you could tell like it's hot comb. So I'm like, oh, natural here to like your point. Right? So I'm with it. She her eyes like she has um, no very, very thin eye. eyes right? On a very dark skinned woman. And then body, obviously, keep in mind, we're talking about a 17 year old. She's a track star too, right? So her thing is showing up much up here, but the legs is ridiculous, right? So I'm like, This is my thing. I didn't know I was into it until I saw it. But that's a gazelle and I want it right. I'm just letting you know how I thought as a 17 year old. Okay. So I go up to her AXA route. We end up going to the movies, right? Doing what 17 year olds do, right? No, I started messing around with her. Right? She's pushing me off. She's intuitive first. Right? Then she decides at some point, she's not into it. As I cool would ask that hits me up like yo, let's Let's just be friends. Don't confuse my girl us was good. Right? And then I'm also confused. Because in my 17 year old mind, I'm like, hold on, this works. Right? This works for me. I've have no issue. What's going on? Right? Right. I'm thinking I'm broken. I just need to try harder. And she's dumping me she's loving me. She's loving me, right? But I genuinely really start to fall for her from a space of who she is the type of work that she puts in her being this very ambitious woman as well, right. And as you guys know, my name is ambition. But I was that back then. Like, the only thing that mattered was where I was trying to go. So to meet another person like that in a female body. That was no attractive was mind boggling to me. Right? So
she, um, she eventually saw who I was right? Like, she was there watching on the camera that day. And, you know, that was a big reason that she was like, Look, I'm not fuck with you right now, rightfully. So anybody listening to this would be like, Yeah, you're a fucking little, little savage. Get the fuck out here. Right? I basically pursued this woman for two years, right? So I joined the Marine Corps. I'm still talking to her on the side, but I'm still talking to everybody that I've been talking to. I'm not going to stop. I just make sure that I'm making sure I continuously her up, regardless of who I'm talking to. Right. Um, eventually, two years go by we're both in the military. She's like, Yo, I mean, I've decided I want to be with you. I'm like, where? She's like, Yeah, where are you at? I said, I'm in MLS school. Right now. I'm in Georgia, you know, you know where we were. Um, so she's like, I got 10 days to leave. I'm gonna come spend the 10 days with you. So she stayed in the, the way it was where our barracks was, it was actually an old hotel. So the Marines were on the top floor, and then people could actually rent out the second floor, and first floor. So she stayed on the second floor. And I was on the top floor, right? And she flew in, came in, she was like, Oh, I came in, I checked in. I was like, she's like, What are you doing anymore? I was like, you know, I normally get up at 430. In the morning, I go work out in PT. She's like, Oh, I'll be your PT. I was like, what? Right? Oh, listen, you got to understand after two years of persistence, right? After two years of persistence, I was in there like swimwear man. Like, when I tell you are the way that I fell in love with this woman. Right? I fell in love with this girl. Because I think at 19 That's just where we were. Right? was utterly ridiculous to me. So for 10 years vacated, you get what I mean, for 10 days, sorry, for 10 days. Within 10 days, felt like 10 years, right? She goes over to Okinawa. And now I got three months of time. But I explained to you the type of young man that I was. So, you know, obviously, I had made some slip ups, right. But I feel so bad about this slip up, that I tell her. Right. And that's where I learned keep my mouth shut. So I told her, she's like, Oh, we're done. I was like, no, no, no, that's I'm like, No, this is impossible. Right? But you know, obviously, I got some things in the package. She's, you know, we're not done, but I'm mad at you. Okay, I can do what you'd be mad. So I flew over there. I get my orders to Okinawa. And she finally come see me. I'm in the gym, you know, playing basketball with all my Marines and whatnot. And she walks in the building. She walks on the port total where I was, she comes in. Soon as she walks on the port. I'm looking at it I look and see the face. Right. Okay. I'm like, okay, but anybody out there who's messed with on for lack of a better term, hood girls, right? You understand when this is not the normal, you don't want these conversations to be had in front of people, right? I'm like, I just pulling, right? So I'm going to the back of the door, or walk or walk through the door. Right? I walked through the door, I'm standing back to the side, she walks through the door comes to BB hits me twice, right just punches me in my face. Like, bang, bang, right? I said, Oh, shit. So I grabbed her by her shoulders, and I shook I'm like, Oh, what the fuck is wrong with you? Right? Just to let y'all know, like, all of this goes on, you know, we eventually realized like, we are very toxic for each other. We want two different things in life. Um, but man, when I'm telling you just the idea of this person being my first love, like, I still, I shit, I still take a shot every now and again. Right? I still take a shot every now and again. I say, Hey, your mind changed about what you want in life. She goes, nope. We go. Okay, right. Oh. But I say all that to say? Um, will I ever again, chase a woman for two years? No.
I learned a lot about valuing myself as a man from that experience. And I think sometimes women go, Well, men are supposed to chase us, why aren't they doing it? And this is why when a man goes through that experience, he learns a lot about how he's valuing himself or devaluing himself. Right? So from that experience, I learned I was chasing somebody who wasn't the right fit for me anyway. Right. And yeah, we do have this no amazing friendship. And there was this really deep love, but it needed to stay at a friendship. And this is why as a man, I don't chase anymore. The way I see it is, um, the way I'm taking shots is, I feel like chasing is trying to make a half court or full court shot. You go I mean, and layups are nice. And even what I would like better than layups is when the woman who's in charge of the court takes a little stepladder and put it right underneath the hook for me. Right. That's exactly the space that I'm in. Right. So for the gentlemen out there for the men out there, and for the ladies out there, ladies, if you want him Don't make him chase you, right. And men if you want her, right, and she doesn't want you, she'll make you chase, you chase her. So that's that? Oh, my gosh, hold on. Let me caveat that the woman I talked about wanted me she just didn't want me to do what I was doing. That's something. Okay.
important caveats? Oh, I'm just so grateful that you brought that up. Because that is a big crux of my counseling is, and it would just be who all of the world for men and women to understand that dynamic. Because what we grew up growing up where we've grown up learning is that yes, men are supposed to chase the women. But that is Lindy, leading to a lot of you know, men who, like you said, are not getting value. Because they're chasing and chasing a woman, like you said, you have to chase her. She don't want you she didn't want you. So what it has to happen is that, like you said, we women actually have to, first of all know what we want. And that's a little difficult to do I understand, because I'm one of those people, but with the tools that I have now. Now I understand, okay, this is exactly what I want. I'm trying to this guy, this is why I'm attracted to this guy. And so this is what I want. So, um, because what we kind of blanketly say that we're like, we want a guy and we don't realize that oh, it's for different reasons that we're attracted to different guys. So um, I say all that to say, we women have to actually let a man know when we do want him now that's different from because of course we'd like to be come on to or whatever, like we like to be approached, but I'm saying we don't have to be I'm not saying we have to be the one to approach. But when we are like we can energetically choose a man when we do get approached by a man that we actually do want. We need to go ahead and let him know like now don't play games. Like Don't be coy about it because the woman who's playing games are being coy, looks a lot like the woman who doesn't actually want you know, it's not actually interested in him. So be honest about how to be like forthcoming about that kind of thing. Because otherwise
how We can be honest about how we take that as men, right? Like, as a man, I don't really take it as your being playing and playing games, I take it as you're being confusing as fuck. And you're, you're something that may end up hurting, because you're so confusing. I don't know what the fuck you want, right? I'm not trying to be hurt, just like you're not trying to be hurt. So, and when I say hurting, it could be hurting in a number of different ways, right? I'll be hurt. If I go out, spend some money on, you know, having a nice time when somebody that don't even like me like that, like what I look like, this is not a charity, right? This isn't Salvation Army, you could have gotten better by going into some sort of little organization, right? Go to a soup kitchen if you want free meals, right? Um, but my point is, when when you're dealing with like people that play games is you don't know what they want. You don't know what they feel. And a lot of them are trying to hide what they want to hide what they feel. And there's so much there's an added layer, I'm not dating you, I'm dating your mask and yours, you'll get mad at me for what's behind your mask that I can't see anyway. And then I'm supposed to learn how to read behind that there's enough shit to do in life woman. Or men, because I think men do it too, either. Which way whoever's doing it, you simply stop it.
And like I said, I fully understand exactly what you just said, because that was me. And I, you know, I had no idea who I was what I was like, oh, okay, to deal with that last
question. I figured it out. Last question, right? What is the last bit of information that you would leave our listeners with that you think will help them build better relationships, whether their personal relationships, business relationships, we just want better relationships, period?
Unknown Speaker 1:16:51
Right. And I should have definitely prepared a last.
Let me think this is a good question. Good question. Um, so what I would say is that, in order to build a good relationship with anybody, it starts with knowing so cliche, but it does start with really knowing and just really loving yourself. To me how you get to that point is to know that you have, like, there are three parts of yourself, there's your human experience part didn't as your there's a part of you that is a creator, I don't want to say a God that triggers people. I want to say, you have got any why? How do you know that? Because you do not operate your body, your body operates on autopilot, your diaphragm does this thing your stomach doesn't digestion, your sales separate and die off? And like if you had to sit there, and like, coordinate all that, oh, you know, you'd be all my function all day. So we have to realize what the power that we have in ourselves, that is going that's like, really the only thing that's gonna make us really fall in love when we realize, Oh, my God, I have that me. I'm creating my life. And then what are they then the biggest thing about that is? Because I know I have that in me, guess what? It's it, every single person that I ever am going to see in my entire life. What does that mean? That means we all come from a source. That means we are all connected. We're all coming from the same ball. Now everybody's offshoots of you know of the same ball. It means we're all connected. We're all one. Meaning, what I do to you, I'm doing to myself, I want you to have everything you want. Why? Because that means by default, I'm going to get what I want. Because we're connected. Like there's no need for jealousy. There is no I mean, we would be a lot more careful to start wars with each other, Russia and Ukraine. I mean, it's just, if we actually fully internalized that, just one of the possibilities that you know, what kind of world we created. I'm not naive in suggesting that there'll be utopia, you know, um, we're always going to have experiences that we don't like, from that where you would you say,
it'd be a utopia for you. In order for there to be a utopia. Everyone has to get busy creating their own toolkit.
That is never going to be perfect, of course, and because you never you don't expect it to be perfect and you really don't want it to be perfect. because then you're not going to actually fully be able to appreciate. Yeah, so yeah, it's just like we get upset by spoon fed children because they don't understand how they have it. You know, they don't know. They don't know anything different. So,
so you guys heard it here. If you want great relationships, understand that we are all connected and give as good as you get. If everybody listening will be great
Transcribed by https://otter.ai