How to Choose Your Tribe, Not Find It

business and family emotional intelligence mental health personal development work life balance Mar 26, 2022

Choosing a community of people who share the same values, beliefs, and goals is a natural way for people to bond and grow closer together. It's how we find our people, essentially.

But rather than choosing people who are perfect for us, it's often better to choose people who are going to challenge and change us.

There are people we choose who is going to push us to grow and grow and grow. And in the process, they'll help us become the best version of ourselves.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are people we choose who will inspire us, but we won't be challenged. And we won't grow.

So how do you choose the right tribe?

Well, it's not as hard as you think! Here are 5 tips for choosing your tribe and not finding it.

Know what you want


The first step to choosing your tribe is setting a clear goal.

You have to have a goal to choose a tribe for, right? That's how you find a tribe that aligns with you. And then you choose a tribe that will send you to your goal.

So first, set a goal. Write down what you want to do, where you want to be, and who you want to be when you get there. Next, take a hard look at where you are now and what you have to show for it.

And then choose a tribe that will help you get closer to your goal.

Now, this may sound simple, but it's not easy. If you're not clear on your goal, how will you know if you've found the right people?

So set a goal that you can measure and hold yourself accountable to. Write it down. And then make steps toward it.


Watch the Leadership


Leadership is everything.

You have to choose a tribe where you feel safe, where you feel respected. Where you know what to expect, where you're not constantly being challenged, or you're constantly being pushed.

And the best way to know if you've found your safe place is to watch the leadership.


You can have all the friends in the world who are going to be the best of friends with you, but if the person leading your tribe isn't feeling it, it's not worth it.

If you're not feeling respected, safe, and challenged, you've got to look for a new tribe. If the leaders of a tribe constantly put down other people or put themselves first, that's not a good place to be either.

In fact, research shows that the most successful leaders are the ones who are most humble, who are willing to be vulnerable, and who take the time to learn from other people.


Talk to The Members


So you've found a tribe where you feel safe and respected, and you know you'll be challenged.

But how do you know if you've actually found the right people?

One way is to talk to the members!

Talk to them. Get to know them. Learn what they believe. Ask them questions. Get to know them better. If you feel respected and safe, you should be able to get a sense of what they believe, and want to know.


There's a reason why people choose their friends and families so carefully. It's because you get a lot of information and a lot of clues about who you are when you spend time with other people.

So take the time to talk to the members of the tribe you're thinking about joining. Because it's a big part of finding the right tribe.


Focus on The System


A lot of people join a community for the wrong reasons or based on faulty assumptions. They join a community because they think it's going to get them closer to their goal. But if they don't know what the goals of the community are, they might not get very far.

So when you choose a tribe, first make sure you know what the system is. It should be an easy concept to grasp, and there should be no mystery about it at all.

And then, make sure you know what you have to gain. It's part of looking at the system. Because if you don't know what you have to gain, how will you know if you've found the right system for you?


Bottom line


Finding your people is a process that requires work. It requires time, patience, and commitment. It requires you to stay open-minded and willing to accept the people who are willing to challenge you.

But it also requires you to be proactive. You have to put yourself out there and start building relationships with other people. You have to go to events, and meet people. It's important to do your due diligence so that you don't choose a tribe that isn't a good fit.

And finally, you have to make sure you're clear on what you want. That you're committed enough to make a change. And that you know what you have to gain so that you can keep working toward your goal.


The path to finding your people is a long and winding one, but it's worth it. You'll be glad you did.